NFL Refuses Colin Kaepernick’s Request For Active Status: “Nobody Is Gonna Hire You”

Colin Kaepernick was denied a return to “active status” by the NFL’s ethics committee this week, ending any hopes the former quarterback has of participating in professional football for at least another season.

“Active status means he can try out, apply for coaching positions, pursue endorsements, and other league-related things,” said Deputy Commissioner Joe Barron, “We denied his petition for the 7th year in a row. He should go sell hair products.”

Kaepernick claims he’s being discriminated against for leading the kneeling movement that nearly brought the NFL to its knees (pun intended) with boycotts.

According to Barron, the league isn’t interested in going backward. “We’re hoping more coaches like Mike Tomlin step forward to put players in their place when they stray from their professional responsibilities.”

“It’s really sad. In this silly satirical multiverse, he can’t even do any Nike commercials without the approval of some committee that doesn’t actually exist.” Newhole believes the league’s advice — to go sell hair products — is sound and not at all racist. “I don’t believe in dog whistles,” she commented,” players can’t hear them, so neither can I.”